It seems interesting that the biggest conflicts happen for small reasons. Did you fight that whole dark night for a little sentence that contained no significance and meaning but was just uttered? You know you get hurt when someone who you have expectations from, doesn’t listen and follows what you wished or requested. Although your concern was not climate change and carbon emissions but petty things (you know what). Still beneath you know he or she didn’t intentioned to trouble you, but the frustration of the moment overtakes your reasoning. Now you don’t see the angel somebody is for you, what all they did for you, giving their love and care and making sacrifices for you though untold but not unknown. But you declare them to be evil in an instance.
Deep down regrets take their bit of space, and if a resolution hasn’t reached in time, the ego becomes powerful enough to swallow humility and separate hearts. Just look at your failed relationships with someone within your family, or friends, or (you know who). Time teaches us and as it passes we never lament the conflict, we always regret “had I kept aside my ego and confessed or apologized or just had a talk about whatever went wrong, and fixed the crack, life would have been more peaceful”.
We should keep in mind that a life of fulfilment, of virtue, of quality, has to be lived. And to be in harmony and respect with people around us is a massive success, and whatever that distances us from us should be identified and removed. Just a reminder, your comfort, or security, your money and these gadgets that we are mad about have no benefit, you and I need healthy relationships to stay happy.
So if we believe strongly that change is the need of the moment, we have to dig in deeper to find out what that little thing is beneath the pile of these conflicts.
It is your subconscious “I am right” attitude. You get disappointed because you think your requests aren’t been considered but rejected. So this rejection boosts whatever you feed the majority of your time, it may be insecurity, or jealousy or ego. You won’t let yourself be called wrong especially in your thoughts. You are a warrior who fights for himself within his mind and always wins.
You see, there are ‘selfless’ people and YouTube videos ready to advise that it’s not your fault. And when you hear this from someone else, the magic of confirmation bias blinds your conscience. Now, this has become your default template of thinking, “the world is wrong, you are right.”
Just reverse this, every time you sense that you’ve entered the territory of a conflict, always begin with “maybe I am wrong”, ” maybe I need to understand his or her point of view”. And boom, the real magic begins, you start cultivating empathy. It’s powerful, that you’ve become someone who keeps others opinions first. If you misinterpret this as weak, we certainly not need more strong people as of now. We all have our subjective way of thinking which reflects our past experiences with life and we all are right, but for a moment to avoid what could be a future regret, blame no one but yourself first. Task yourself to ask yourself.
This is not to lose but to avoid the battle itself. It is to have peace, where everybody has a say, but no one feels the other is wrong.
Of course, this isn’t a thumb rule in every situation, there are big and real troubles in stock as well, but how do we adapt according to what we have no control over is how powerful we become.
The fitness of any relationship is understood by its ability to stand the unexpected, to communicate what updates in behaviour are required and to work on it selflessly.
We need a reversal of the thought process we have bitterly conditioned ourselves to live with.
Countries of the world are fighting, for a piece of land, not for poverty and inequality, carbon neutrality and climate change, we have built the most advanced weapons and nuclear capabilities, not to support each other, but to kill each other and destroy the environment. Today we’re fighting a pandemic, it’s time we realise, we are wrong. One simple thing we hear is that any change starts with us, if we change our behaviour, we become eligible to change the world. If we’re entangled in our little conflicts, only time will explain what was important.
If you found this moving, do check out the previous post in the series…
Guide to Healthy Relationships: Anger Management